What I have to admit to you is that some of you don’t know I have lied repeatedly to  you. The lie was that I was a straight white male republican. That was just a mask I put over the face of this gay white male democrat to hide the fact that the world and the opinions of others had me petrified. I was so scared of being myself that I maintained and had even to an extent convinced myself that I was this person who never really existed.

Some of my close friends know and some I haven’t told. I value their friendship so much that It scared me to tell them. I am sorry I couldn’t tell them before this post went live because I wanted to but the coward inside won out. Though certain people near me can’t comprehend the idea of being gay I have their unwavering support which is rare in this world.

The posts I have already written about this go anywhere from rage and a place of not caring to pleading with the world to just accept that I have not actually ever changed. I do want to at least make that one point though, I have not actually changed and am the same Shawn you knew yesterday and the same Shawn you knew 9 years ago. If anything I am funnier and more carefree than before.

With that lack of change I must tell you that two desires of mine have not changed. The first desire is that I will be married to someone some day. The second desire is that I want a family and will raise children some day. I need you to know that I will be fighting for those rights, not just for my self but for other people as well.

The reason I chose today over any other day in the past year has a lot to do with recent events. States like North Carolina are reaffirming blind hatred towards people like me.  Double banning committed gay couples from making their union official in the eyes of the law because of religion, the very same religion that we formed this country to not be oppressed by. On May 9 I told a friend that though it didn’t directly affect me the ruling in North Carolina made me ill. I live in West Virginia now but I have and always will be a Marylander in my heart and I have so much pride for my home state because they stood up and passed gay marriage for Maryland.

I’m told the best way to promote change is by knowing someone affected by oppression, whether they be a friend, family member or acquaintance. I hope that my example will bring you some understanding and that you even if silently stand up and advocate for me as well. There is an issue with Maryland that has bothered me deeply. The fact that gay marriage passed was just a mere formality because you see Maryland has over 5 Million residents however there are on 50,000 signatures needed to have that law put up for a vote in November. There is no doubt in my mind that this will happen and the majority will be allowed to vote on the rights of the minority.

What I am asking you to do is when you are asked to vote on whether or not I should have the right to get married. I ask that you vote in favor of gay marriage.

I imagine that there will be questions and comments about this post. If you care to I have no problem addressing them in the comments. If you would care to contact me personally I have an email associated with this blog that I recently have added to my phone email inboxes : Shawnscottblog@gmail.com and if you know me well enough you will probably have my cellphone number and I am more that happy to talk/text you about whatever.

Something you should know as well is that aside from a weird child/animal magnet I also seem to have this effect on people that meet me that feel like they can tell me anything about their life, including some pretty personal details. Today I was walking in the park and a person that probably considers me a friend was walking there with her dog. I barely recognized her but she waved so I stopped to chat with her for a second.

This particular woman is recently filing for divorce  and though she hasn’t pulled a Kardashian she was married for just less than a year if I recall correctly. She was there to meet a new guy for a first date thing, or well that’s what she told me.

This girl was very surprised by my response when I said ” you are meeting someone so soon?” I wasn’t trying to be rude but you would think if your heart was broken you would need some time to heal and then once you moved past that you would get back into the dating scene. This is where the speculations starts.

My first bit of speculation is that the girl also had someone on the side while the husband was messing around behind her back. Then that leads to her husband  and how she found out he was cheating. Her story is that “a friend” was looking on Match.com and found a recently updated profile for her husband and honestly I feel the “friend” part hard to believe.

This all culminates to my  over all point. I do not care about what the hell you do to end your marriage or about their specific situation. I am pissed that there are groups that are completely alienated from marriage because there is some gap in politicians brains regarding the separation of church and state.  I am pissed because they just flippantly go around dissolving their marriage contract because they are no longer happy.

I hate the term “sanctity of marriage”, what sanctity? Doesn’t the fact that we approve of divorce already throw the narrow minded idea of sanctity out the window? Also if you want to insist that only God can marry a couple and make it sanctified then isn’t it  a fools errand to have a government be the one to approve said divorce when “God” is the one that has the final sign off.  Does the scripture and vow from Mark 10:9 ” Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” mean nothing?

I feel like my point is made and I want to stay out of babble land.

Sincerely,

A Product of Divorce

That said I have some legitimate fears in life the first of those being the death of either of my parents closely followed by living along for my whole life and never finding someone to share whatever it is I have with. People are so intimidating and as friends things are amazing but once you go to a relationship beyond friendship it seems like people go into game mode and completely fuck around with your mind. This leaves me less than amused.

Truth told I cannot tell you what I am looking for in a person, I know what those qualities are and I just seems like I know when I find someone that holds those qualities. That said I know this sounds crazy but I am completely convinced that I am not deserving of anyone and not deserving of happiness.I am not sure why I feel this way but I can tell you it is crippling at time. To constantly feel like you are less than deserving of love or anything of the sort spawns some pretty epic pity parties.

This post is a pity party of sorts. I need to share with you what has happened to leave me this way. I have always attempted to date or see people that are in less than desirable situations as to give them another chance and to care for some who hasn’t been cared for. I wont talk about my first relationship because I feel like it does not count. My second and most recent relationship( I do not get around much) was really what kind of broke me.

The person who I was talking to was a few years older than me and had her own child already by a person I was told abused her and mistreated her horribly. We were talking for a pretty long time and went on a few dates. When it comes to relationships I am a pretty slow mover because it is relatively new territory for me and I do not want to rush into anything new too quickly. This whole process was long distance and took place over about 6 or so months.

We agreed to not talk a lot and would do back and forth things to try and make the other person jealous, for me it was all a part of some sick game…did I mention I hate games. After awhile she “went into hiding” from her baby daddy shortly after that I noticed something was wrong our conversations were getting shorter and she seemed occupied. At this point idiot me didn’t realize that I was an emotional place holder for a _____FILL IN THE BLANK_____guy.

We grew considerably apart and only talked once a week I txt messaged her to see how she was and she asked me to pray for her and that “things” were going on. Shortly after that one night we were talking on the phone and she told me that she had something she needed to tell me but she needed me to promise I would tell no one. She was pregnant for a second time, by the same man who fathered her original child.

I tried to be a supportive of her and tried to offer her options. I offered for her to move to Huntington and I would get an apartment with 2 bedrooms so that she would have a safe place to stay while she waited out her pregnancy. I tried so hard to be a good guy and not completely freak out. I promised I would talk to her daily which I did for several weeks then our conversations were trailing off it seemed like I always had more to talk about and she was merely putting up with me calling.

This one evening I blatantly asked her if she was talking to someone else. She was and we got in a small argument because I told her I could tell by the tone in her voice and her general demeanor. This is where it got childish, we got into a heated argument while I was shopping for stuff to make a pie in south-point Walmart. After it took me awhile to respond because I was driving home she sent a string of messages that more or less accused me of being a jealous jerk and that she never once lead me on.

Pretty much I was completely crushed by a single mother (now of at least three). I have wondered for a long time how I recover from that. So here I am, just me trying to be happy for you all. Guess what, Im not.

P.S. I contemplated not sharing this but I don’t really care if you read this and think I am whiny. I don’t write this blog for anyone but myself and if you read it faithfully I appreciate it.

1. You can go completely naked for hours when you live alone, I have found though this is not advisable when you haven’t the time or money to buy curtains

2. Cleaning is totally up to you to do or forget however I can tell you that the chicken and black beans in my fridge started to get pretty rank after awhile. And I am pretty sure I witnessed the beginning of life…

3. You are both the man and woman when you live by yourself. Don’t get me wrong I admire women but I am sure glad I was born with a penis because “Women’s Work” is hard as heck. Scrubbing floors, vacuuming, washing dishes…etc. this can all be so tiresome. Being the man side is easy you get to eat the food and watch TV, every once in awhile you get to screw something (take that as you will).

4. Wine alone can not sustain you (this is just for my buddy paul)

5. Decisions become harder, life is not longer about what useless gadget you’ll be buying it is more questions like “Will I have food this week?”. When it comes down to spending money on other things it usually goes like “Will I spend $1000 at Ikea or on a television and cable hookup?”

6. As much as you believe you can “rough it” and use only the unlimited data on your iphone and not pay for the inter-webs because your neighbors are all too smart and have a password set on their wireless networks…I digress. The point is as much as you think that is a good option one day you will break down and call Comcast in tears begging them to come out immediately to your rescue.

7. You may feel like your singing in the shower deserves and Grammy however apartment number 1 and 2 would rather be sleeping at 4:55 am.

8. Don’t leave the dome light on in your car. The police may knock on your door rousing you from sleep and refuse to leave until you go out in the cold and turn off your interior lights. (scared me shitless, thought it was a drug addict that wanted all my monies)

9. Living on the third and highest floor may make you closer to God but it also makes you closer to him so he can smite you during a lightening storm.

10. Rather than burn your wallet up paying for electric to run your small space heater you decided that three layers of clothes and a throw blanket is sufficient to keep warm (This reminds me so much of my friend Alison L.)

Moving out certainly has its quirks, for me anyhow. Now it is down to you loyal readership. When moving out on your own for the very first time what crash course lessons did you have to learn to survive?

This week I want to talk about a topic more than a specific recipe. I love going out in public to eat or just socialize  but sometimes it feels just right to stay home cook a good meal and rent a movie from Amazon Instant Video (wish this was a sponsor). Also it can be a very romantic approach to date night for all you couples out there. I can tell you that the two fastest ways to my heart are a home cooked meal and the jazz styling of Ella Fitzgerald.

Romantically you can go several ways with it. Some people want to do the cliché “lets cook together” approach. This is stupid and very RomCom of you so avoid this. Let the person who is the better cook do everything so that you are eating a good meal instead of something not fit to feed your dog. Besides from my experience cooking in a kitchen with more than just on person becomes a frustrating experience especially when you are kind of a perfectionist (that doesn’t sound like me at all)

The food you want to cook is important too. Some people will go for the incorporation of aphrodisiacal foods , for example oysters. Again this isn’t a smooth move because there is only one similarity that oysters on the half shell and sex have in common and even I’m not going there.

Keep your choices limited to a cuisine or cuisines around the world. If I were letting someone cook for me I would really like them to cook something inspired by italy because that is my favorite type of food. With that you also need to think about your ingredients. Italian food calls for a lot of garlic and unless you have a vampire slayer fetish this can be a massive turn off so you need to adapt to ingredients that will complement your food without killing the mood.

This week instead of sharing a recipe with you I want you to do the reverse. Share with me in the comments your favorite date night recipe, extra points if it is something Italian. Until next time like my aunt used to joke “Grace in the kitchen, Grace in the hall, Good God y’all don’t eat it all.” (except y’all was replaced with Shawn)

I have decided to reinstate my old blog schedule posting every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday Simmer. I got back on track with ” Crazy, Crazy For Feeling So Lonely” on Valentines day which ironically landed on that day (I wrote it days earlier). I honestly am very tired at the moment so I thought I would take time to update you on some things.

First and most important I have been caught up in some pretty interesting television. After nearly 4 months of watching Star Trek TNG I finally finished the series. Honestly the series finale wasn’t really  as great as some of the individual season finales.

I completely watched a show that was just canceled within the last 6 months. The show was on Showtime called “United States of Tara”. If you haven’t seen it I can tell you it is probably the best show about a family since “Roseanne”. The premise is a show about the craziness surrounding  a family rocked by their mother who suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder).

Tara's Alters

Shortly after finishing “United States of Tara” I took the advice of a good friend and started watching Season 2 of “RuPaul’s Drag Race”. I enjoy the campy nature of Drag shows but I had never desired to watch a reality show about drag queens. Reluctantly I loaded my Netflix and quickly decided that this was one of my favorite reality shows. Two episodes in and I felt like I could turn my friend paul into the best drag queen in the Tri-State area.

RuPaul Charles

The show has a really great premise It brings queens from all stages of life and put all their attitudes into one room and they have to learn how to be the best queen in America. They are put through some really interesting competitions and through it all learn from the fellow queens. This is not a thought provoking show but it does provide so good laughs and good drama.

As you know I could talk about television all day so we’ll move on to real life. Honestly I have had a very interesting last few months. I actually luckily reached all my goals for 2011 the final of which was to get an apartment. I technically signed the lease for my apartment three days before the new year so I unexpectedly fulfilled my final goal.

I was moved in by mid January and at first I really hated it. I was all by myself all the time and I hadn’t set up internet because I thought I could just use the internet on my cellphone. I was so wrong about everything, finally I broke down and begged Comcast to come set up my internet.

I actually have a funny story about my internet experience. The previous people had a satellite dish and I thought that the three cables coming into the house were for the satellite. To get them out of the house I had to cut the ends off the cables…apparently I cut the Comcast wire at the same time. The guy was kind of peeved that the wire was cut and couldn’t believe that would be the action taken to remove the wires so instead of admitting it was my fault I said ” yeah those people were real assholes”

Over a month later I am glad to say that I have settled in an I now can honestly call this place my home. I finally have a place of my own that I can call home. Not CQOTD because this was all information, but study up next week there will be a quiz.

The sad truth is that I haven’t dated anyone for nearly two years. Not that I have to date someone to feel  like a complete person, because I find those types pathetic. I am interested in finding someone because I am afraid I will become the ever famous “Forever Alone” meme.

Usually I am super passive, I am not the type of person to come up to you and start chatting. I can think of like 20 other things that include multiple types of projectile vomiting that I would rather do than to initiate conversation. That said I have had to explore some newer avenues to try and get myself out and on the market.

I started this process of putting myself out there midway through last year. I have some friends that like to go out to bars and such and I started to join them. Before you judge me on that decision finding someone in church really isn’t practical unless you want me to date a 60 year old. I have had some interesting leads from this approach I haven’t taken any of them seriously.

More recently I have started the whole online scene as the bi monthly trips to the laundromat were only turning up homeless people and a bitchy attendant. I decided to sign up with a profile on Match.com and a profile on PlentyOfFish.com. I cant really comment very much on this as I haven’t gotten much response yet but I will be sure to keep you updated.

Though I am not sure where this path will ultimately lead I can say that I am looking forward to an interesting journey. If you were looking to mingle and were very single where would you go and what would you do?

It is funny how people react to things for sure but i never could have imagined how sad this makes me. It is just a thing, it has no soul no distinct personality. I assigned it a soul and a personality much like a horcrux without all the killing. I am not beyond saying that I loved it. It was my shipoopi (cred to the person who names the musical this reference if from HINT:Gary Indiana)

I am dealing with the grief the best way I know how, I am playing the saddest musical I have in my library “Next To Normal”. I also am writing you all with my emotions.

I do need to take the time to thank Past Shawn he usually is a bumbling idiot but this time he actually came through. He bought an extended warranty and I am getting a replacement kindle 3. I would hug this Past Shawn fellow if I could but I cant so…yeah.

Bye?

This past year has been marked by several suicides by young people who have been bullied, mistreated and damaged by the words and actions of others. Granted there are only a few faces to represent the masses that commit suicide in a year people are up in arms about bullying. People are calling for our legislature to pass laws that make bullying illegal.

Before I continue I must tell you that through my whole life I have been bullied. I was bullied in grade school for being overweight. This bullying continued throughout high school. I also was called all kinds of names including but not limited to Faggot. Though I personally believe I was not actually picked on that bad I just wanted to let you know that I was not the popular kid and I am not speaking out of my behind.

Continuing As I told my twitter followers, I do not support an attempt to make bullying illegal. I do not support it because though there are certainly some extremes who is going to be the one to draw a line in the sand between criticism and bullying? I want to know who has the guile to give me a clear concise legal definition of bullying. I think that you will find that definition is hard to make concise and I hate to tell you world but the best laws contain no gray.

When does it come to a point where Joe Somebody calls the police on his neighbor because he said something that hurt his feelings? I mentioned I was bullied and I have to tell you folks that I would not take that back for one second and if you know me and love me you would not want it taken back either. Life is never a straight flat trip and though it can be down right horrible and discouraging at times it   essentially shapes who we are inside. I love myself because someone held hate in their hearts for me, isn’t that  a wild contradiction?

I do not know about you but I enjoy my freedoms. I enjoy being able to have a bad day and decided to be a bitchy queen(King) because of it. I know you may not value your right to be an a-hole but I sure do. There are better ways to handle this situation that does not involve restricting peoples rights.

I am not going to complain and leave with no possible solutions. We don’t need complainers we need doers. I suggest that the first thing that would help is to make sure that all programs that offer support to people that are feeling suicidal become federally funded. That means I support funds going to things like The Trevor Project , Suicide hotline, Etc.

I also feel like the institutions surrounding these individuals lives need to be evaluated. If someone is at the brink of suicide then the signs they are being bullied should be very apparent and schools, neighbors and families should have some recourse brought against them after a formal investigation is completed to see if there is anything that could have been done.

There is also an independent assignment you can work on for me. Teach your children tolerance. Tolerance does not mean you need to like someone personally but it means that your respect the things that make you different. I was raised to not hate anyone for any reason so parents if you want to see a change in our world it starts with you and your children.

I am not even going to lie to you and declare that I am still a praying man. I haven’t prayed in over a year but I know plenty of you do pray a lot. Please pray for the families of these youth that have taken their lives. The hardest thing about suicide is not that you did it, it’s what you leave behind.

The compliment was that I am adorable. Besides the initial barf feeling I had after this person told me this I was taken totally by surprise and was not sure how to take this. I have lived my whole life thinking of myself is not worthy of other people and my self worth has always been low. No one specifically has made me feel that way besides myself.

It felt nice for someone to send a compliment my way. I need to remember sometimes that though some people may not regard me as very valuable that I am so valuable and so are you. There are things about our personality and our physical selves that only we do. There is no person exactly like us in any way. Even twins have small variations that make them stand apart.

The funny thing about me is that I use things to make me better, more desirable. I decided to count the different products I have an use to improve myself. After finishing I can tell you I was kind of shocked at the number. I use no less than 16 different tools and products on everything from my shoulders to the top of my head. I am shocked because I consider all these things a vital part of my life and without them I would feel like an ugly hot mess.

Clearly my self-image could use some work, What are some of your shortcomings?